Dave Guy, the Worst Guy
Dave Guy, Steven Universe S1 Ep. 8, “Onion Trade”
In Dave’s Review of Daves, I rate the bearers of the second most popular male name in the US.
Who is Dave? Our culture seems to know. There’s a Dave on every conference call; every woman seems to have a disappointing ex named Dave. Davids are serious, respectable people who can help you with your taxes. Davids are pretty rare, but Daves - Daves are everywhere.
In this instance, Dave Guy is a vending-machine collectible in the cartoon Steven Universe. Notably, Dave Guy is not the “Guy” that Steven wants to collect: Steven wants Ranger Guy, and the episode is built on his quest to get Ranger Guy from an enigmatic kid named Onion. But Dave Guy is the guy Steven gets.
Steven is pretty vocal about Dave: “He’s like the worst Guy!” Does he come with a cool accessory? No. He comes with taxes. “Ugh. Stupid Dave Guy. Got no future, your haircut’s gross, you smell bad… I mean, just look at him. Does it look like his life is going anywhere?”
(Not gonna lie, this stings a bit.)
Steven spends the rest of the episode trying to unload Dave Guy and acquire Ranger Guy from Onion, his friend/nemesis (fremesis?). In the process he acquires over thirty Dave Guys, which bring him no closer to Ranger Guy. He ultimately makes a terrible bargain (spoiler), and ends up magically flooding the town with… Dave Guys.
This episode is about empathy, probably. It’s about befriending difficult people, and seeing them for who they are, and not making everything about yourself. It’s also about not abusing alien technology for personal gain.
The episode is not about Dave Guy.
As far as I am concerned, Dave Guy is the archetype of all Daves: nobody is looking for him, but he’s everywhere you look. He’s what you get when you don’t get what you want. And when the story is over and the moral is handed out, it turns out to have nothing to do with Dave whatsoever.
But Dave Guy is not forgotten. One out of twenty-eight Americans is named Dave (well, David, but you know people call them Dave.) You can go back to the vending machine of life as often as you want, but sooner or later - probably sooner - it’s going to spit out a Dave. And you’re going to need to live with that.
“Ah, cut [Dave] a break. Maybe this is the year he gets his life together. Maybe he’ll get a cool internship.”
Dave Guy is rated 99% Dave, 1% David.
Dave Guy does his taxes, that’s worth 1%.